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Nova 1035
The problem with the way I do these weekly posts is that they are by design ‘first-drafts’ – I sit down on a Friday evening and start typing, there is no time for considering, analyzing, and re-writing, and apart from the most basic of spell checking and some basic grammatical tweaks, no time for any type of editing either. What you read is pretty much what I was thinking at the moment I jotted it down. This can lead to me reading the posts once they have been submitted and sometimes thinking that I could have expounded on an idea in more detail, or that I could have expressed myself slightly better in certain instances but I am happy to accept that as a small sacrifice for what I see as authenticity and an unpolished communication with whomever decides to actually read them.
That long pre-amble is, I suppose, my way of warning you that this week’s post may be especially unpolished and contain many thoughts and ideas that could do with a lot more thought and exploration. I think it is going to be a very hard one to write and probably also a hard one to read (though hopefully due to the content rather than the quality). The reason being that I have spent most of this week, but also the past couple of weeks, thinking about Ian von Memerty.
For those of you who are not familiar with the name, Ian was one of South Africa’s foremost performers, he was a dancer and piano player, acted in and directed several theatre shows, including the two-man “A Handful of Keys’, and was the host of South Africa’s version of Strictly Come Dancing and a judge on SA’s Got Talent. He also killed himself on the 23rd of February!
His death should not have come as a surprise seeing as he had been telling the world that he was going to perform what he termed: “an act of self-deliverance” for weeks, even recording a YouTube series called “Dying for a Better Life” in which he explained in detail why he felt this was the right way for him to die and all the thinking that led him to that conclusion, but still it did. I, selfishly, wish he had not done it when he did because I had just started watching his series and following his death his family have taken it down – a decision I can understand and respect, but one I still question because, from what I had been able to watch, I think that the series could prompt some, possibly very difficult and uncomfortable but, extremely important conversations.
I have previously (not here but definitely in other formats) tried to explain that I have very complex and complicated thoughts and views on death and suicide and, while I have no current desire to end my life, fully believe that we should be able to dictate the terms of our ‘demise’. I am a vocal proponent of euthanasia and so-called ‘assisted-dying’, having even been tagged in tweets by South African non-profit DignitySA when they still used the platform, and while I understand their reticence to be associated with how Ian ended his life (based on the fact that his actions may add fuel to the ‘slippery-slope’ argument often used when arguing against the right to die), like him I believe that ‘self-deliverance’ should also be an option available to anyone.
While Ian lucidly and eloquently explained that he was not suicidal – explaining that suicide is a desperate final measure to end a form of suffering (I’m paraphrasing) – and that he was not depressed, the fact that he had previously been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, coupled probably with the understandable inability to understand why he did what he did, has led many to claim that he was “clearly not right in the head” or that “something was clearly wrong with him”. I think I do understand him though, or at any rate I can empathize with his way of thinking.
I have fought with suicidal ideation on many occasions and, in those moments have struggled with the thoughts of what my actually following through with them would do to my family and loved ones. I’ve also lost friends and acquaintances to suicide and have been left shocked and grieving. But, on the other hand, I have read so many accounts of people who have been able to end their lives peacefully in the presence of their loved ones and how, while still undoubtably hard, the fact that their father/mother/grandparent/aunt/uncle/brother/sister/etc. was able to die peacefully and according to their terms made it so much easier to deal with their death.
I’m not saying it would be easy, and I’m not naive enough to imagine that it would not still result in potential feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, etc., but I can’t help imagining that it would be easier to process these feelings and try to understand why someone you know wanted to end their life than when they die by suicide and you’re left without any way of getting any answers. I am also not advocating suicide (in fact, as I [and Ian] have tried to explain, I’m not even talking about suicide) as I can very well attest that the feelings of hopelessness and desperation can, and thankfully in most cases do, pass – which in itself can be used as a valid argument against ‘self-deliverance’ too.
As I said at the beginning of the post, this week is an especially difficult topic to write about because not all my thoughts on the topic are fully formed, and, truth be told, if I were to try to ‘edit’ what I have written I would probably end up changing my mind and writing about something else entirely, but I’ve spent a lot of time this week (and the previous few) thinking about Ian and the idea of ‘self-deliverance’, and I’ll probably spend a lot of time in the next few weeks, months, and probably even years thinking about it too – I also wish his thoughts on the topic were still available to all of us.
If you are struggling and need someone to talk to please contact Lifeline/Childline Namibia on: +264 61 232 221 (24 hours a day)
