The children are listening

We all know children are naturally curious, inquisitive, and spend a lot of time listening and observing. We also all want to try to impart the right kind of lessons to, and values in, our children, but we tend to forget just how observant kids are and how they’re listening and observing even when we’re not necessarily paying them attention, or when we’re not conscious of trying to teach them something or engage them directly. They’re not just picking up on what we say to them directly but also how we talk about ourselves, how we talk about other people – be they friends, acquaintances, or complete strangers, and what we say to others about them. They’re also watching and taking in the ways we behave, and whether that lines up with what we say.

When last were you frustrated with your partner and, with them facing the other way, rolled your eyes at them forgetting that while they may not have been able to see you, your child had a perfect view. Or perhaps you gave someone who cut in front of you at the supermarket a super dirty look. Clinical psychologist Jazmine McCoymay told The Huffington Post that kids can catch those nonverbal cues. They’re also capable of picking up on criticism or negative remarks about the other parent or caregivers in their life, even when you may try to mask them as jokes or sarcasm.

Children are also super aware of how we talk about our own, and other people’s, bodies. They pick up on the words we use and even those little teasing moments we sometimes have with them or our partners, poking fun at their weight can have a lasting impact. They’re also watching and see those dirty looks you might give yourself in the mirror, or the fact that you’re not prepared to ever take your shirt off in public, even wearing it over your swimming costume.

Tying into that, kids also pay a lot of attention to your eating habits as well as the way you speak about food. Your relationship with food will literally shape their own, so watch out about those jokes about certain types of food being ‘dangerous’ or labelling different types of food as good or bad. Skipping meals, constant dieting, or talking about food restriction and what you’re ‘allowed’ or ‘not allowed’ to eat as well as castigating yourself for having eaten something are also all picked up by children and, over time, without them even realizing it, can impact their relationship with food.

It is also super important that what you say and what you do line up because when you say one thing and do, or demonstrate, another they are able to work out what you actually value. For example, if you’re always telling your child that sport is supposed to be about teamwork, fair play, and having fun but the first thing you ask them when you fetch them from the game is, “Who won?” they notice. And of course, when you’re trying to teach them emotional control and tell them repeatedly how it is inappropriate to give-in to outbreaks and rage, but repeatedly lose your cool in traffic, “do as I say, not as I do” just doesn’t cut it.

This isn’t to berate, or bring anyone down – heck knows I know I do most, if not all, of these things myself – but we could all probably do with being a bit more ‘present’ when we’re around children, and conscious of how we speak and act in their presence.